Anxiety

I begin to feel myself thinking awful thoughts. Blamey thoughts. Critical thoughts. Compulsively, intrusively. That's how I know anxiety is settling in.

I try to make them stop, force my attention elsewhere. So far, no attempts at self-soothing have worked to any meaningful degree of effectiveness. Neither does logic, yet.

Asking, "Pam, what are you doing to yourself?" does.

After the blaming and criticizing only comes worse things: imagining painful scenarios in which I am judged, criticized, betrayed, made to defend myself. Then I imagine being stuck; I begin to resent things that I usually call "home" for tying me down, draining my resources, giving me no where else to turn to. I imagine scenarios in which I am powerless.

Despite all these feelings whirring inside of me, in the real world, nothing has actually transpired. Maybe someone disagreed with me. Or I said or did something out of irritation which I am now unsure of how it will be taken.

And now I am getting battle-ready when what would be more in-order is leaning in for a hug and understanding.

Sometimes I wish instead of getting combative, I could just cry.

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Artful Balance © 2019

These are my personal writings curated from material produced during my structured daily writing times as well as spontaneous thoughts I manage to record. Through organizing and uploading them i hope to learn about who I am as a voice and writer and find ways to improve my writing skills. Though I feel drawn to more cerebral topics, I would like my writing to be an engaging emotional journey none the less.

Someday I hope I figure out a way to assemble my short works into something more coherent and with a more obvious purpose. But right now, these tidbits are the best I can do.