Personal Responsibility and Relationships | Artful Balance

If I could go back in time and advise myself one thing when I was going through a nasty, dirty, painful back-and-forth breakup, it would be to let compatibility be the bottom line.

No more moralizing, no blaming. No detective work, no critical analysis, no weighing of pro's and con's needed.

Just one honest answer to a single, disinterested question: Are our habits and perspectives compatible?

Note: This is not a question for my significant other, but a question for only myself, while looking as objectively as I can at his choices and routines.

When I think "It upsets me that he doesn't put enough time and care into the relationship. He needs to work on his communication skills and I'll make sure that's brought to his attention," I am placing too many steps between me and my freedom from an unsatisfying relationship: trying to change him, trying to make him understand how I think and feel.

Now I know that a compatible partner already basically understands how I think and feel, and in areas where he doesn't, there is wiggle room for bearing it without over-extending the relationship. (It goes both ways.)

When the problem is about compatibility, it becomes, "He simply doesn't come with the capacity and enthusiasm for quality time and talking that I do. There is nothing wrong with that. But as this is not something I'll be able to feel satisfied about, it's time to break off this relationship and maybe start looking for someone who does."

Ascertaining we're incompatible is not to place blame. It is not to make accusations, not to be the judge anyone's character, not to attempt to convince the other of anything (their flaws or the fact that a break up is necessary), and not to need evidence to prove to myself that I need to move on.

(Maybe I could incorporate one further question, too: Do I even actually enjoy the time I spend with him, or does it make me feel like I am "pressing pause" on other important parts of my life to be with him?)

Anything else is over-intellectualizing and abstraction.

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Artful Balance © 2019

These are my personal writings curated from material produced during my structured daily writing times as well as spontaneous thoughts I manage to record. Through organizing and uploading them i hope to learn about who I am as a voice and writer and find ways to improve my writing skills. Though I feel drawn to more cerebral topics, I would like my writing to be an engaging emotional journey none the less.

Someday I hope I figure out a way to assemble my short works into something more coherent and with a more obvious purpose. But right now, these tidbits are the best I can do.