The highest love is neither ownership or guardianship | The Road Less Traveled

Dependent people are interested in their own nourishment, but no more; ... they don't desire to grow, nor are they willing to tolerate the unhappiness, the loneliness and suffering involved in growth.

Hobbies are self-nurturing activities. In loving ourselves -- that is, nurturing ourselves for the purpose of spiritual growth -- we need to provide ourselves with all kinds of things that are not directly spiritual. ... But if a hobby becomes an end in itself, then it becomes a substitute for rather than a means to self-development.

[The] "love" of infants and pets and even dependently obedient spouses is an instinctual pattern of behavior to which it is quite appropriate to apply the term "maternal instinct" or, more generally, "parental instinct." We can liken this to the instinctual behavior of "falling in love": it is not a genuine form of love in that it is relatively effortless, and it is not totally an act of will or choice.

[Nurturing] spiritual growth is an infinitely more complicated process than can be directed by any instinct.

Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. It is judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to confronting. It is leadership. The word "judicious" means requiring judgement, and judgment requires more than instinct; it requires thoughtful and often painful decision-making.

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Dr. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

From section:

Cathexis Without Love